Feminist Founders Subscriber-Only Podcast

Hello to all of my amazing paid subscribers to Feminist Founders Newsletter. I love you so much. Thank you for supporting my work. It truly means a lot. And I hope that you listen to this. As I said, I want to continue to add to this private podcast feed as ideas come up, things show themselves to me, or I do a little bonus conversations with people that are just for you all. And today I wanted to share something that I've been noodling on, not for a long time but I'm hopeful it's helpful. And that's the difference between confidence and competence. This largely ties into conversations I've had with people around things like imposter syndrome, which if you've followed me for long, you I have lots of complicated thoughts about, or maybe it's not even complicated. I fucking hate that term. But anyway, because I don't want us to internalize something that is largely systemic. But anyway, often,

I have found that people are waiting to feel confident to take action, to feel if they're waiting for internal confidence to feel that they have the competence to do something or to charge more. And so I want to just talk a little bit about the difference. Confidence is largely internally created. It's an internally created feeling while competence is a largely and I'm using largely because there is some degree of this that's not 100% accurate, right? There is some external piece that can play in confidence. And competence is largely externally driven. Again, there can be some internal part of it. But on the whole, one is more about others and one is more about self. So confidence is like a self assuredness that comes from within. It's internal belief in your capabilities versus competence, which is about things like, do I have a degree in this? Has some university, some external university told me that I am competent? Do I have feedback from people that have seen me do this thing or that have worked with me on this thing that confirm externally I know what I'm doing? Do I have metrics or data to prove some external validation again, that I know what I'm doing? So competence is something that others can give to you, whereas confidence is not.

That has to happen from within. So let me quickly talk about two, the difference. So if you are confident without competence, I'm sorry, if you are confident without competence, that is what I would call the mediocre white man syndrome. We've all seen it. The person who shows up talks a good game, but can't really back it up. These are the guys who can go and apply for a job with 30 % of the qualifications and somehow beat out the woman who has 90 % and didn't even apply, right?

Which leads me to competence without confidence, which is that is the person who is the best kept secret person. That is typically, largely something that happens to women and folks with marginalized identities. We are the ones who are the best kept secret because we don't feel like we can take action until we feel confident in our competence, feel confident in our skill set.

So we may know on paper we meet the criteria, but we only meet 90 % and we need to meet it all to feel confident. But by the way, the truth is we know that often we meet all the criteria and we still don't feel confident. And why is that? Because again, that confidence has to come from internal. It can't be handed to us by the qualifications that we have on paper. What often happens then is the people who have the confidence without competence, abuse and extract from those who have the competence without the confidence. We see this all the time. These are the ones that are out there saying they can do something. People are believing it. And now they're having to pay somebody else who actually can do the thing because they actually can't. But that person didn't feel confident enough to put themselves out there. So now they're taking scraps from the person who said that they could but couldn't.

This happens so often and I wanna again reiterate that this is often happening for women to lack the confidence despite having immense competence. And that is because, and by the way, not just women, also all folks with marginalized identities and the more of those marginalized identities you hold, the more likely you feel you may be feeling what I'm saying internally because those systemic barriers rob us of confidence early because we often learn early, early in life as women and folks who have, I would say, Black folks, folks with disabilities, fat folks. So again, speaking to all identities, I'll probably largely boil it down to men versus women only because those are two very big, broad categories where we can really clearly see this very often playing out. But I just want to keep saying again, it's all these marginalized identities. But we learn very early that we are here to be in service of others.

And I think that that's also just speaking to some of these marginalized identities. Black folks not only are learning this early in life, are, and women are holding onto a lot of inherited ancestral over time trauma related to the same message. mean, most especially black folks who have a lot of inherited DNA around stolen labor about being conditioned into this belief of being in service of others, right? So, and women as well.

We have a lot of stolen labor or forced labor around childcare and caregiving. So we learn very often and early in life that we are meant to be in service of others. So we are given a lot of praise and feedback around our competence. We are conditioned into believing that competence matters more than anything, right? This is why we often have like a lot of these high achiever folks in this category because they learn early on that their worth is based on their competence. So they're constantly chasing an internal feeling of worth based on competence. And that continues and continues. Whereas white folks and men, and again, other folks who have other privilege identities, we can talk about class and a lot of other things, are very often given a different message. They are not given the message that their worth is based on performance, competence, skill, ability, achievement. They are given the message that their worth is inherent. They are inherently worthy just by the nature of existing. And when they receive that message, that creates clearly confidence. It's internally, I am been, I mean, I am inherently worthy. I hold that and internalize that and it becomes my belief that I am amazing, right? Whether I earn it or not, I just am. And so that creates confidence. That is something that not everyone has the privilege of having given to them. And in fact, not only is it not given to them, it is very often systemically, intentionally, purposefully robbed of them, right? The more marginalized identities you hold, the more there are systems in place that are designed to keep you from feeling inherently worthy, to keep you from feeling confidence, and to keep you focused on competence as your method of earning that internal feeling, when that will not work. It doesn't work.

So when you're asking yourself, am I facing an issue here of competence or confidence? Again, this is kind of that imposter syndrome feeling of, I know I know what I'm doing, but I'm afraid everyone's going to discover I'm a fraud. And your brain keeps telling you it's because you are a fraud, and you're not sure. So sometimes that leaves us in this place of, well, am I a fraud or not? So how do I know? And again, really that means, is it an issue of competence?

Am I actually lacking some skill that I could learn and that I could have externally verified? Or is it confidence I'm lacking? The internal belief in myself to claim that I am great, that I am worthy, that I am good, that you can believe in me. And if that is the question, then I would say, ask yourself, does external validation or data push you into action? So is this a situation where if someone if I had a degree, if I have the degree, not if, because it's like, then you can start to get into, well, sure, maybe that would make it. Did the degree make me start taking action? Did the satisfied client testimonials, does that give me the confidence to take action? Does my friend telling me I'm awesome and I can do this thing, is that given, is it enough to make me take action? If not, it's not a competence issue, it's a confidence issue.

Because that doesn't work and too often that's the advice we get. The advice we're giving, me, the advice we are given in those moments when we are having these sort of crisis of conscience, this existential crisis around imposter syndrome, for lack of a better term, trailblazers complex, as Tanya Geisler said in the most recent episode of &S Founders. When we're having those moments, people often tell us, just go and, you know, look at your testimonials and you'll feel more confident. Go and ask 10 people to tell you all the great things you've done for them. You'll feel more confident. Go look at your sales that you've made. You'll feel more confident. And you do those things and you don't. And you don't understand why it doesn't work. And it's because someone can't hand you confidence. It cannot be externally manufactured. Now, again, there is some degree to which the external can contribute to confidence, but on the whole, it is not something that someone can give you. They can't hand you a plate of confidence.

It isn't working to do those things because those are all externally focused and they don't help. So how do you begin to develop confidence? My favorite saying, and embarrassingly it comes from Dax Shepard on his podcast, Armchair Expert. However, he said he learned it somewhere else. But it really sums up what I had been saying verse along and didn't have the exact words to, which are, or is, you can act your way into believing faster than you can believe your way into acting. Your actions will create your beliefs far faster than your beliefs will create your actions. And yet, so often what I see happening with folks who are suffering from a confidence, not a competence issue, which again is most often women and black folks and people with other marginalized identities, they're waiting for confidence before they take action. I will do it when I feel ready. I will do it when I feel I'm good enough.

They will do it when I feel I have the value to bring to the table. And they're waiting for someone, something, somehow the confidence to materialize. When in fact, and here's how the external plays with confidence, is the truth is you won't feel it until you do it. But it's not going to be because someone else told you it was great. That can contribute, yes, but it is because you will begin to believe for yourself that you can do it.

When you begin to create promises to yourself to take action and you follow through with them, you begin to believe I am a person I can trust to take action. That's important. That helps to create confidence, the confidence that when I say I'll take action, I do. When you do that in a way that honors your safety and your needs, then you can begin to trust yourself to take action in a way that is safe, self -honoring. That creates confidence.

When you say, will take action and you follow through all the way to the end and you deliver a good result, one that you deem good, you begin to believe I can do this and do it well. It creates that internal belief in self. And that is where confidence comes from. And this is so important because confidence is what then allows us to begin freely talking about what we do with pride, without apology and allows us to also begin charging for appropriately for the value that we are bringing to the table for the transformations that we are creating because we know and believe in the value we bring. So competence is what allows us to do the thing. And for most people that I see and work with, that isn't the issue. We know how to do what we do the lack of the reason that we aren't selling enough, the reason that we aren't being honored by others enough, the reason we are the best kept secret is not because we can't do it, it is because we don't have the confidence to do it. And with both, when you have confidence and competence, I talked earlier about when you only have one, when you have both, those are the people who are unstoppable. Those are the people who walk into the room with their shoulders back, their chest out, they're head held high and they command the space and people believe in them and other people will say, I actually know they can do it, right? So it's not like they just walk in with their head held high and their chest out and they're boasting, but they have nothing to back it up. They're the people who walk in and everyone's saying that person's amazing. I've worked with them, they're amazing. And other people are believing it because they're walking in looking amazing and they're willing to pay what it takes to work with that person because they believe in them. They can tell by looking at them. And I just want to say one last thing around that stance, that shoulders back, chest out kind of stance. That is the most vulnerable position that humans can put themselves in. It is exposing our heart. And I don't mean this just in the way of like, people make me feel sad, right? I'm saying literally your heart is exposed. It is open and available to be punctured.

This is why going back to like just our like ancestral, deeply ancestral biological roots, that is like the most vulnerable position for any, at least mammal to be in, is to have their chest exposed. Because once your heart has been punctured, has been taken, we for the most part die, right? So we protect our hearts because it's important. And to put yourself in that position is actually very vulnerable. And it's interesting because we equate it with quote unquote strength, which for many people, vulnerability and strength feel very different. That is why being vulnerable is strong and takes strength. It takes confidence to be able to walk into the room and say, I'm good enough and I believe in myself, so you can't harm me. And I am standing in a position that's claiming that.

I am claiming I am willing to put myself out there like this because I can back it up because I trust myself to care for myself. I believe in myself. I will protect myself, which is why we need to do all things with safety. Safety is really important in all of this because again, with all these marginalized identities, there are in fact places where we don't have the confidence for a reason because it would actually be unsafe to put ourselves in that position. We have evidence that shows it would be unsafe. We have historical reasons to believe it would be unsafe. And so it's important to make sure we're distinguishing that difference as well. Amy Greensmith, who was just on my podcast as well on Feminist Founders, make sure you listen. was the other most recent guest, talked about how to know safety versus fear. And I really love what she said about, it new?

Because that is a great test. Is this just something new? Because if it's something totally new to me, I don't have evidence that it's unsafe unless I do, right? It may be new to me, but I've actually seen others who have same marginalized identities I do who went in and tried to do the same thing and they were caused harm. Okay, so like, let's also honor that. But on the whole, is this just new? And if it's just new, then maybe it's just fear and lack of internal confidence is keeping me from taking action.

And in that case, I can think about how can I take action? How can I feel the fear and do it anyway? How can I do this action to build the confidence for the future? And so this is really the last piece. How do you do that? It's not just about just feel the fear and do it anyway. It is that, but it's that with safety, which means how can I do this in a way that allows me to feel resourced enough to do it? I'll give you an example from a client that I just had who is having a lot of fear around going to this networking event. The story she had built up was that she was incompetent at networking and that was creating this lack of confidence is what she believed. We talked it through and actually there was no evidence she wasn't good at networking. In fact, we had lots of evidence, data, facts that she's very good at networking. She's done it. She knows how to do it. She's done it and done it well.

So what was happening here was this just was a new environment and a new way of networking. It was a change in career and talking about things differently. So it was the newness that was scary. And it was tapping into some trauma, which is also always part of this, some old trauma around visibility, putting yourself out there, those kinds of things. We have to honor that that trauma in that moment is also real. So how did we approach it? We talked about resourcing. How can you go into that event feeling resourced so that yes, you're gonna be scared, but you have the resources to be in that fear and do it. So for her, that looked like things like having a script prepared. So she wasn't worried about not having the words. She had something rehearsed, so she would have the words to use. It looked like doing some research before she went on the people that were gonna be in the room, so she wasn't walking in feeling like she didn't know anyone and was overwhelmed by all of these new people. She would already know who some of the people were and a little about them to help with some conversation.

It looked like enlisting her husband who was going to be there at the event with her as an emotional support partner, a cheerleader, somebody to keep her to remind her she can do this and she's great. It also we talked about her body and what are the things that help your body feel good in that moment? Getting a good night's sleep the night before, moving, doing some movement the day of so that she felt some strength, choosing an outfit that made her feel really good in her body. So there are things that we talked about that can help her feel more resourced and fully ready to be with the fear and do it anyway, knowing that that action will contribute to her internalizing more confidence in the future. She knows she has the competence. She had a story she didn't, but that was rooted in the lack of internal confidence. Once we were able to examine the story, we knew the truth was she was competent. Externally, all the evidence is you are competent. You can do this. So what this is here is a lack of confidence and internal belief and how do we begin to create that we do that by taking action with the fear in a way that allows us to honor safety and to be resourced to do it.

So this is what I've been thinking about, been noodling over since I talked with that client in fact, and was like, this feels like the perfect kind of stuff to do like a little bonus episode for this paid subscribers. And I hope that you liked it. I would love to know if anyone listens to this and it sparks something in you, you find it interesting. Let me know, go comment on something on Femis Founders newsletter, or I don't know if you can comment on these private episodes, but you can go find something somewhere on the newsletter to comment and tell me your thoughts or send me an email, becky at beckymollenkamp .com. I would love to talk about it. So thank you for listening. And as always, thank you. Thank you. Thank Thank Thank Thank you for being a paid subscriber. And if you feel like you're getting value out of these sorts of conversations that I want to have with you periodically, also always tell others that they can subscribe, becoming a paid subscriber to support my work and to get someone's bonus content. Thank you. Love your faces.